V-Day

I'm single on Valentine's Day.

That doesn't bother me as much as it does my friends. In fact, it doesn't bother me at all.

I have no problem with being single. Could I be happier in a relationship? Maybe.

But I'm not in one right now, so why stress over it?

Nope, it's not my being single that bothers me.

It's them.

I Wonder

I like that time at night, where you're laying in bed and have nothing to do but think.

I think about a lot of things.

What people think of me

All the work I should have gotten done but didn't

What on Earth I'm going to do with my life

If I should listen to what people are telling me.

That last one's quite a dilemma. I don't want to listen to them, but they're right. Denial.

But there's that little shred of hope that maybe they're wrong.

And that's what keeps me up at night.

Tired

I'm just so tired. All the time.

Physically and emotionally.

No matter how much sleep I get, I'm still fatigued by mid-morning. I nap, I go to bed early, but nothing works.

I got 14 hours of sleep today. And I'm exhausted.

I'm so tired emotionally. Just so sick and tired of people. Their attitudes toward me, toward life, and just in general. All they do is bitch and moan.

I'm not saying that no one should ever complain, Lord knows half my posts on here is me complaining, but at least the other half is me being happy with my life. Those people should be happy with theirs, because they all have pretty wonderful lives.

Just get over yourselves and realize how good you've got it. How many people love you and care about you.

I know. I'm a hypocrite.

At least today had a bit of good in it. I ate a big-ass plate of sushi. Yum.

She

She doesn't even care.

Formal

It was fun. After I got over myself and just accepted the night for what it was, it was amazing.

There were some moments I wish I could've re-done.

Wish I could've talked some sense into myself, to just enjoy the entire night.

To not see them and want to be mad.

And you know what?

I wasn't.

It took a little time to realize, but eventually I got it.

It was a fun night.

Don't

There's a lot of things in this world that I don't understand.

Why does my bed always feel so rock hard and uncomfortable when I'm trying to fall asleep, but so amazingly heavenly when I have to wake up?

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

Why does toast always land butter side down?

Why do cats always land on their feet?

What would happen if I strapped a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat?

How can people be so mean?

She yelled at me today. Which isn't a big surprise, she yells at me a lot.

But at least normally I know why she's yelling at me.

Today she yelled at me because I un-loaded the entire dishwasher instead of only half. She was yelling something about how now I wasn't going to help her load and how I was just trying to do the easy work.

Maybe that's what she would've done. But I wouldn't have tried to cheat her into doing more work.

I was going to unload and load the dishwasher so that she would only have to hand wash a couple of dishes. She looked so peaceful on the couch, I didn't want to disturb her, make her come do work.

Funny how that feeling always turns into a screaming match.

Hate That Question

Have you been crying?

God I hate that question. Yes, I have been crying. No I will not admit to that.

I'm going to say that my allergies have been acting up.

Allergy eyes and crying eyes don't look the same. We all know that. Yet they'll nod and say that they're kid/niece/brother/whatever goes through that during the summer.

Bull. Shit.

I also don't like the actual act of crying. My throat tightens and lumps up. My eyes tingle and then start to water. My nose drips. Next thing I know tears are pouring down my face and the only way I can breathe is through choked sobs.

It sucks.

And then once I'm done crying I sit there like an idiot, my eyes fire engine red and burning, snot dripping from my face, blubbering like a baby.

Personally, I don't see the point.

Fun(?) Facts

I'll admit it, I was bored today.

Really bored.

So I found this site of interesting and fun facts. They were, well, interesting.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag

Does anyone else find this ironic? I laughed when I read this, then wished I had a canadian two dollar bill laying around so I could check it.

If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white

This is going on my bucket list.

'Jedi' is an official religion in Australia with over 70,000 followers

I've found my new religion.

Studies have proven that it is harder to tell a convincing lie to someone you find sexually attractive

Oh really?

Among older men, vanilla is the most erotic smell

Good to know?

Orgies were originally religious events. They were originally offerings to the gods

What was being offered? You know what, don't answer that.

Your thumb is the same length as your nose

You just held up your thumb to your nose didn't you? That's okay, I did too.

The lion costume in the film Wizard of Oz was made from real lions.

Oh my.

The brain is soft and gelatinous - its consistency is something between jelly and cooked pasta.

Well when you put it that way, who can blame the zombies?

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Hahahahahahahaha. Irony.

Kermit the Frog is left-handed.

How on Earth would you know that?

The dome on Monticello, Thomas Jefferson's home, conceals a billiards room. In Jefferson's day, billiards were illegal in Virginia.

What?!? I suppose next you're going to tell me Lincoln was a coke-head!

Abe Lincoln bought 50 cents worth of cocaine in 1860

Damn.

The egg came first.

Well that answers everything.

I enjoyed the site I found, it had some good stuff on it. Made my day a little less boring, which is a good thing.

Family

Good thing I have family.

Otherwise I might actually feel good about myself. Oh the horror.

I've been sick for the past couple of days. Which means I haven't been watching what I ate or exercised much. I only gained about a fifth of a pound, but I was feeling sort of bloated and bad about myself.

Today I went to work out on my wii fit (its the only thing that I can do consistently) my brother watched me.

About halfway through I paused to sample some of my dads amazing vanilla creme cake. And I do mean sample. It was literally three or four bites. I had worked out pretty steadily beforehand, so I didn't feel too bad. As I'm walking back to the wii, my brother says something.

And how many calories are in that?

I turned off the wii and went upstairs so he wouldn't see me cry.

You

I went to bed thinking of you. Imagining about you and I together, the happiness I could almost feel, was the only thing that could get me to fall asleep.

I just wish I could tell you.

I mean, it wouldn't be hard, I talk to you everyday. Just type out three little words.

And yet-I can't. I've only know you for so long, we're just starting to get really close. I don't want to mess this up. I don't want to push you away.

So, for now all I can do is write this little post on my blog. You'll probably never see it.

Maybe that's a good thing.

Letter

Dear Mr. Cold,

I just wanted to let you know how much I dislike you. My head is pounding. My throat is tight. I couldn't get to sleep until after one because I was so congested I couldn't breathe. I do not like you and wish you would disappear forever.

You suck,

Rachel

Again

I'm writing again. I have written anything in quite some time. It feels wonderful. I'm letting out my anger, my happiness, my everything. It's all going into this story, this would-be novel.

Maybe it'll never be finished. Or maybe it will actually be published. Who knows?

The important thing is that I'm writing it. I'm actually trying. I don't think I can explain how that feels.

It's...happiness.

Thanks

I was feeling so good, for the first time in such a long time.

So thanks for reminding me I'm not good enough. What was wrong with me. The fact that no one will ever like me.

Thanks, because I definitely needed help remembering that.

You Don't Know

There's a lot of you. Who just don't know everything I want you to. It kills me that every time I see you that I don't have the nerves to say it. That instead I have to do it anonymously over a random blog.

So here it goes.

You're beautiful. You have such doubts about yourself and I just don't know why. I wish you could see yourself as everyone else sees you.

I really, really like you. But as a friend, I think. Maybe we could've been something more, but I think that time has passed. I'm so sorry for hurting you.

You once said that you didn't know if anyone looked up to you like that. I do.

Somehow I always feel as if I'm not good enough for you. Like I never know what to say, or how to act, and every move I make just condemns me more. I hate that.

I don't know how to feel about you. I think I like you as more than a friend, but I'm not sure. You are a wonderful person. You make me feel happy. Like I am good enough. It's a great feeling.

I've been there for you always. Even when you hurt me so bad that I lock myself in my room to cry, I can't bring myself to hate you. I love you so much, and I just can't understand what I did to you. Why do you hate me?

2010

It's a new year.

A new decade.

And things are looking up. I don't know about anyone else, but I've decided to let the past go. There is nothing I can do to change it and it will no longer govern my life as it has done before. I am turning my hope towards the future and keeping my thoughts in the present. maybe that will bring me peace.

I hope it does.

Whatever the new year may bring, I welcome it. Change is necessary, wanted, and expected. I'm looking forward to you, 2010.